Ok so it all started with an innocent day at work.
Basically so for the past couple weeks I’ve had mono. I’m telling you, its just super fun. I love not eating solid food or being able to be awake for more than like 3 hours, and not being able to talk and the feeling of knives stabbing the inside of my throat. All super great. So fun. haha I just think it is weird that I like somehow survived high school and college, never really ever got sick and I feel like thats generally when people get mono and then I like have no contact with the human world for a while and somehow get mono. I’m pretty sure I got it from my dog, cause that’s the only man I’m kissin!
Anyway so for a while I was living pretty much exclusively on ice, popsicles, chicken broth, really really thin smoothies because not only did my throat basically completely close up I also weirdly wasn’t able to open my mouth? That’s not a thing. Who am I? But yeah so after a few days, I have to say, you kind of go a little bit nuts because I just wanted to like, chew on something. It was weird. Whatever. After a while my mom decided that it was time to try and incorporate some solid food. So she told me in the morning that she was going to make lasagna for dinner because she thought that might be fairly easy for me to handle. Cool. Fine by me. I like lasagna. No problem.
So quick backstory, my mom is a pretty good cook. I guess I was lucky. She has always really really enjoyed cooking which is truly beyond me because I am on the exact opposite end of that spectrum. And like for pasta and stuff she always makes homemade sauce and I’ve always liked it. Every so often she tries new recipes like every other person, whatever. I usually like it. But a couple of years ago she made this new pasta meat sauce. And I liked it, but like, my first thought when I had it was “I think there is pork in this.” More backstory, I don’t eat pork. Sometimes if I’m bored I lie and say its for some reason but its not. I just honestly don’t like any pork products. Even bacon guys. True story. So yes, I had this thought that there was pork in this new sauce, but I didn’t say anything. I stayed quiet because I thought, my own mother, would have the DECENCY to at least TELL me that there was pork in this new creation. But we all ate our pasta in silence.
Fast forward to the day of this lasagna. So my mom made the lasagna, it was like 7:00 I was exhausted because like that was late for me I was usually in bed by then. I may have been a bit ornery. I get my piece of lasagna and cut of possibly the smallest piece of a noodle ever and successfully ate it. However, on that day, I was sick of all the secrecy. Despite my ill taste buds, I could still taste that pork in the sauce. So I stood up and said something. (IMPORTANT INFO REGARDING THE FOLLOWING THE CONVERSATION: Mono had stripped me of my vocal chords and so I was literally talking maybe as loud as a whisper? And also my brother said even then I sounded like I had been deaf my whole life. So not a great voice for debate)
Me: “Mom, just tell me the truth. Is there pork in this?”
Mom: Nervously laughs and looks at my dad
Me: “I feel like I have been lied to for far to long! Just tell me!”
Dad: “I think its just beef” (ummm what on earth do you know dad? you never have made an actual meal in your life)
Mom: “Well, I don’t know, I use beef…”
Me: “Yes…. and…”
Mom: “Yes, there is A LITTLE pork in it, but its just a little and I don’t use it all the time and etc etc etc (trying to get out of this)”
Me: ” I KNEW IT (not actually yelling due to lack of vocal chords) I SEE IT RIGHT HERE. I’VE KNOWN ALL THESE YEARS BUT I NEVER SAID ANYTHING AND I ATE IT AND YOU MADE ME EAT PORK”
Mom: “Yes, and look, you didn’t die!”
So the moral of this story is that I spent the rest of my time at dinner picking out every single piece of pork I saw and politely pointing it out to my parents and felt forever betrayed.
*Also I realize I never explained how this all started with an innocent day at work, but I have decided NOT to explain this. I don’t know why. Actually yes I do, I’m still too upset about the pork incident.