Business Proposals: Part 1

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As I have mentioned before, or you just may have guessed this for yourself, but I have somewhat of a wild imagination. I think of a lot of strange things that the majority of people would probably not ever think about. For instance, when I was little, every time I went on a plane I had this weird fantasy land idea that the seat I was sitting in, that tiny little space on the plane, was all I had in the world. Like, my backpack had all my possessions and I had to live just in that seat for the rest of my life. Why? Who thinks that? No one. Kids with problems… and we all know how my story ends.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. The point is I brainstorm a LOT. And what I’ve been brainstorming about recently are jobs. Not like, traditional jobs, but jobs that would utilize my very special and unique skill set. AKA jobs that don’t actually exist, yet. The following proposal was one of the first ideas I had and in all seriousness when I thought of it I thought I was a genius and that people would be begging for my services. And then people brought me down, haters gonna hate.

So here it is. I want to be………. An event planner for homeless people!!!! Does that not sound GREAT?!?!?!!? Let me explain. As almost anyone that knows me would tell you, I love free stuff. To a slightly abnormal degree. “Oh here’s some free newspapers, better take 10 just in case!” kind of deal. This combined with my closet life as a hoarder doesn’t always mix well but whatever. Anyway, because of my love of free stuff I spend a ridiculous amount of time researching free activities or whatever to do here in the Capital Region or really anywhere. I love it. I love finding free things!

So that’s the first part. And then I was thinking, well there must be other people that want to know what all the fun free things are to do around here. And then my next thought was, hey! What about homeless people?! They don’t generally have a lot of money, and I’m sure they want to do fun things as much as the next person rather than just walking around pointlessly all day…. soooo why don’t I become an events coordinator for homeless people to keep them busy during the day?! Brilliant, right? I think so.

Additionally, this could have added benefits! It would not only keep people busy, but off the street, out of trouble, not doing drugs, out of the elements, maybe there would even be food. Tell me I am not a miracle worker, please, try. hahaha

A small problem does lie in the whole, how would I get paid part…. So I need some rich person to really really believe in me and just decide to give me millions of dollars to tell people free things to do. If you know anyone, let me know, I’m in the market for a backer.

Even as I write this in a kind of making fun of myself and my dumb ideas kind of way I still think its a great idea. No one can bring me down! Not only is it just a nice thing to do, its philanthropic. And then I could go nationwide! Think of the possibilities!!!

If you want your chance to invest in “Event Planning for Homeless People by Kelly” please, go ahead and get started with this great new company as soon as possible. The management has many expenses that need to be taken care of…..

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I’m (sort of) Unique!

I have nothing to say really. But I haven’t written in like 10000 years so i thought I’d give it a go before this turns into one of those situations where its just awkward if I do end up writing something because its been so long… ya feel me? Whatever. As I realized last night while I was writing something else, it has become very apparent that I have forgotten how to write or even think logically in the last week. Sorry, but I’m not sorry.

ANYWAY, SOOOO much has happened in the time since I last wrote anything which is why I think writing at all was a little intimidating to me! There were just so many choices of topics or themes or fun facts to bring up! I got overwhelmed. But then of course I realized that all of those things were really only relevant for like a hot minute and that no one would actually find them interesting when I wrote them. So then I got sad. Rough times man. So I don’t know what to do! As Michael Scott once said “Sometimes I start a sentence, and I have no idea where it’s going I just hope I find it along the way” (something to that effect, to lazy to find the actual quote). That is exactly what is happening right now. I’m hoping that magically, somehow, brilliance will strike and this will end up not being incredibly awkward like the current direction things are taking. Well its not looking good folks. Sorry.

Ok so I guess then what I’ll say is…. um… wait for it…. yeah. ok. ok. ok. whatever.

ImageOk so over the weekend I went to good old RVA for my friends wedding which was really just wonderful and the whole time I was there I was so happy which was surprising because I had literally been terrified about going down (which is a whole other story… save that for a rainy day). I was also on a mission while I was down there. See, in a moment of insanity I had bid on several auction items for things in Richmond because it was for a good cause and I really didn’t think I would actually win. Well low and behold, I won myself a gift certificate to a wine store (totally useful) and not one, but FIVE passes to the Richmond Museum of Science that have to be used by December 31. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good science museum and I’ve been to the one in Richmond before and I liked it but 5 seems a little extreme considering I don’t actually live there. So the goal was to use at least one of those passes and my gift certificate while I was there. I’m happy to report that mission accomplished.

The picture above is from the science museum. There was this little computer screen that asked you a bunch of physical questions, like if you had a widow’s peak or if you could roll your tongue and then it ultimately told you how different you were from everyone else who had done that little quiz thing. I was just doing it because I like pressing buttons, but the whole concept was actually kind of cool. Like, I thought about it and just on physical traits alone, I matched 12 out of 100,000 people! Which is both more than I expected and also less then I expected. Does that make sense? No, of course not. When do I ever make sense. sheesh. Anyway, so out of 100,000 people, 12 of us kind of look vaguely similar. Vaguely. But then, take into consideration personality and all that jazz! And then I was shocking myself with the insanity of it all that in reality everyone is so different from one another. No matter how similar you are, there are still 100s of things that make you different from someone else. I don’t know why this is something that is just occurring to me now, but mind. blown. More importantly, what I realized from their silly little experiment was that just as I thought, I am definitely weird and unique. And I am perfectly happy with that. I don’t think I would like someone just like me… it would be too weird. So moral of this absolutely pointlessly long and drawn out story, is that I love being different. Not all the time, but right now it’s ok. I’m going to keep on keeping on with all the weird, cause who else would do it if I didn’t?

Nail polish improves work performance….It’s science

This is an actual conversation that I had with my mother.

Me: MOM! This is an emergency! I need to go to Target and I need you to buy me a lot of things!

Mother: laughs Why do I need to buy you things? You’re an adult.

Me: But mother, you see, these are work related expenses. So I shouldn’t have to pay for my work related expenses. Clearly.

Mother: What on earth are these “work expenses” may I ask?

Me: Well I need self tanner, nail polish, hair products, makeup, hand sanitizer and any interesting $5 movies.

Mother: laughs in my face Those are in no way work related.

Me: But they ARE. If I had self tanner, or nail polish or other beauty products I would feel more confident. And if I were more confident, I would not only be happier in the work place but it is practically proven science that confident people get more work done. Also, like, if I get movies I like then I’ll be in a better mood after watching them and I’ll be more pleasant at work! It all makes sense!

Mother: This seems like questionable science….

Me: But don’t you want me to be a confident, strong, young woman?!?!? Is this not important to you?!?!?!?!

Mother: No.

*Update: No one took me to Target. And no one has bought me the random things I want. My life is so sad.

And in her Broadway Debut….

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So tonight is the Tony Awards! Which is like SO EXCITING to super cool people like me who love Broadway and Theater and all that jazz (HA theater joke). Plus Neil Patrick Harris is hosting again, which is just brilliant because he is the best ever. But this post is not about the Tonys. I’m sure you are all devastated.

I mentioned in my very first post ever that I am very much in the midst of a quarter life crisis. What am I doing with my life?!?!?! and that kind of thing. ya know. Not anything that interesting. While my personal development has been stunted as of late, my creativity has NOT and so I have come up with several very exciting job/business proposals to become a millionaire/famous/a person with a job. This one however, I cannot take credit for. Not only did I not think of this for myself, but its a LEGITIMATE job. So I don’t even have to convince people to hire me for a job that doesn’t exist like many of my other proposals!!! No, this idea was presented to me by my dear neighbor/friend Allison. I, Kelly, aspire to be a Broadway Child Wrangler.

Now “child wrangler” is kind of the slang term, those in the business prefer “child guardian” or something that doesn’t sound so strange but basically its a glorified babysitting job. However, do NOT say this to a Child Wrangler. Apparently they are quite touchy about that. So I’ve read.

Anyway, so basically the job is this. Parents of kids under 18 aren’t allowed backstage for productions, but the child actors need to be supervised by an adult to make sure they don’t kill each other or burn the place down while they are off stage. In comes the child wrangler. You basically just keep them entertained, get them to stage on time, and hang out backstage. There are also tutors for these child prodigies of Broadway which is a very real second option for me, but that seems like it would involve like actual knowledge. And work. Which sounds hard. Regardless, Allison told me of these wonderful aspects of child wrangling and I was sold. This is my calling!!!!! It combines so many things that I love! Theater + children + organization = HAPPY KELLY!!! Of course, I would totally exploit this job as a way to become best friends with theater people and convince them to put me in a broadway show despite having no talent or ability. I could however, reference my excellent dice collecting skills as was seen in the 2007 High School Performance of the musical Grease. Which in case you weren’t lucky enough to see, was me collecting black puffy dice in the pitch dark super fast from all over the stage during scene change. It was, and I’m not even kidding, so incredibly stressful. But, every night those dice were gone by the next scene. I deserve an award.

The point of the dice is that I clearly have extensive theater experience and I could totally be like “angry town person #7” or “person that waves” or something on Broadway. I don’t even need to say anything! Just be there would be enough. So to get to live the dream of standing on stage in a real Broadway performance I am going to start my journey as a mere Child Wrangler. Which actually sounds ridiculously awesome to me anyway. And the second I get that job, the next time someone asks me my least favorite question (So what do you do?) I’ll just laugh, slightly embarrassed, and say “Oh me, I’m just on Broadway”

And this is why I need to rethink my priorities

I am definitely not a normal person. Meaning, I think I would happily categorize myself as a nerd slash social outcast slash awkward person. I don’t know. Point is, I’m super special. I have a tattoo in Elvish on my foot. Harry Potter is the closest thing I know to religion. I have cried more over the plight of fictional characters than I ever have about anything in my own life. It upsets me that Starbucks/Barnes and Noble/other coffee places aren’t open 24/7 so I can just go there and be awesome and alone. My favorite part of school has always been buying school supplies. To this day I agonize over choosing the perfect pen and I love getting new highlighters and sharpies. Almost the entirety of my free time is spent doing research on really random topics. Or sometimes not so random (aka, I really need to move on from the otter thing but that’s never going to happen!). And of course, I’d rather go to see a show at the theater than a movie. So yes I’m a little different. But that’s how I like it. There are times however, when I realize how lame I really am sometimes. Today was one of them.

I should also mention that what occurred today has in fact happened before. Last time it was just a weird kind of awkward thing, but today I was like…. umm need to rethink some priorities here Kelly! Basically, as most of you know, the library is the best place on earth. FREE BOOKS?!?! Like are you kidding?? That is heaven. So yes, I totally take advantage of the library! I don’t know why more people don’t. Daily I think of new movies, CDs, and books that I want to check out and then I request them from the library. So my request list is usually pretty long, but because I am sadly not the most important person in the entire world, sometimes it takes a while to get what I want. Today however, the library called me because I had too many books on hold at the library and they didn’t have enough room to store them all. Again, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I think the experience is so humiliating because the library staff are totally judgmental when you get to this point. As she stood there scanning each book, she just shook her head, repeatedly saying “You’re not going to be able to do it” under her breath. And I was like Hey! Give me a chance! I mean in all reality she is probably right, I’m not going to finish all of them before they need to go back, but she could at least encourage me to try! Jerks!

The point of that randomly long and pointless little story is that if I put as much effort into something more self – improving, I would probably not be where I am right now. It seems as if my priorities and energy are being directed mostly at the library these days. And while reading is obviously great, considering the present situation, my time might be better used elsewhere. But what on earth could I do that would ever be as much fun as carrying bags of free books out of the library? Riddle me that.Imagethe above picture is of me in Hawaii on the day Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince came out, at like 7 in the morning. I did not move much that day.

Hey, are you free?

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I’m going to go ahead and preface this post with some very important information because I don’t want there to be any confusion!

As a general rule, I’m starved for social attention and interaction on a constant basis. Being as I spend most of my free time making up songs and singing them to my dog, I am almost always up for doing something social. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in my pajamas, not showered, in bed, ready to go to sleep (ok at like 7:00pm) when someone has texted me being like “Let’s get coffee” and within 30 minutes I am ready and out the door. I really like doing stuff with my friends! So if I ever say I’m busy, the truth is that I probably actually for one time in my life am busy. Its probably a doctors appointment. I would say thats a pretty accurate assumption.

So with that in mind, here we go. I was at brunch this morning with my friend eating some delicious pancakes when she randomly asked me what I was doing tomorrow morning. I really didn’t think anything of it because a) I was probably free and b) like I said I like doing random things with people so I’m usually game for anything. Regardless, I said I was free and she asked me to accompany her on this volunteer thing which actually sounded really cool to me and I am really looking forward to it.

This however, got me thinking. How many times does some random acquaintance out of nowhere just spring you with “Hey so are you free tomorrow at 3pm?” While many times its totally innocent and it ends up being something you want to do, there is that small percentage of time when they are actually tricking you into doing something you don’t want to do. Example.

Person you kind of know sort of but aren’t really friends: Oh hey friend, what are you doing Thursday at 11:45 am?

You: ummmmm well that’s a very specific time,(looks at calendar) oh it appears nothing, why?

PYKOKSOBARF: Oh GREAT cause I need you to come over to my house and paint my room and then drive me 45 minutes away to some crazy event that you will hate!

You: Oh. (well, I can’t really say I’m busy now cause I just said I was free soo fml I’m stuck) Sounds Great!

If this situation is familiar to you, I sure can empathize. I’m sure many normal people have this situation happen and have no problem being like “Yeah right, that sounds terrible, ain’t nobody got time for that shit” because they generally have a little something called confidence and self respect. I however, do not. haha. So if someone asks me to do something and I don’t want to do it, 9 out of 10 times I’ll do it anyway. My friends know I do this all the time and I’ve done some pretty random and horribly awkward things just because someone tricked me with a simple question. For this reason I believe that all random acquaintances need to preface their request with WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS before springing times and availability on you. Yes, I may be free Saturday afternoon but that does NOT mean I am in anyway interested in spending an entire day listening to you complain about first world problems while I do all your housework because you don’t feel like doing it. If you had SAID that was what this Saturday would entail, I would have said I was busy! And by busy, I mean sitting at Starbucks reading or watching 12 hours of Netflix.

I say random people you know need to do this, because I don’t think this problem is really as applicable with friends. For me anyway. If you are my friend, I generally want to hang out with you and if you ask me to do something that I’m not like super excited about, I can usually back out with no problem. But those sneaky people who come out of nowhere and ambush you with nonsense requests that turn into torturous (but sometimes ultimately funny) experiences seem to be lurking around every corner! No I don’t want to move you into your new apartment, that sounds terrible! No, I don’t want to babysit the children that you constantly complain about how terrible they are and how its not even worth the money! But will I do it? Of course I will. Because I have no backbone.

Anyone reading this post can be almost certain that they have no cause to worry about this problem with me. The few people that consistently do this to me are in no way connected to me through the internet. So if you are friends with me on the internet, I probably like you in real life too. I realize that this post makes me seem like a terrible person, but I felt as though it was my duty to warn people of the dangers associated with a simple question. If someone you don’t know very well asks about your availability, I suggest being extremely vague at first until you know what they are asking you to do. Otherwise, you’ll end up on a date with someone who wants you to drive him to AA and tells you his entire psychiatric history within the 30 minutes of meeting him. (that actually happened to me, no lie.)

I basically won the whole race

ImageToday was the 35th Freihofer’s Run for Women which was a 5K. I’ve been sort of, kind of, but not actually, following the Couch to 5K program since April? I guess? to get ready for this because I wanted to not die. Basically. However, leading up to today I had very low expectations for myself mainly because it randomly decided that it was going to be 10000000 degrees and also I vastly underestimated the several large hills that were part of the course and I think hills are stupid. So when I got there my goal was quite literally to not end up in an ambulance or like dead on the side of the road somewhere. Oh and to not be last. So not really lofty goals, but still I was concerned.

The race starts literally just straight up this long hill and I was like, yeah no. I’m gonna walk this part out. Plus, there were over 5,000 runners and GAH was it crowded and impossible to move around! Especially because so many people were running together so like I was weaving in and out of groups which was fun. So finally the hill is over and we go into the park and people start to separate a little more. At this point I had started to do my version of running which many people might consider a slow jog, but whatever. I was moving. It was also at this time that I really realized how fricking hot it was. After a little while I saw the 1K mark and I thought, well, definitely not going to live through this! I was so thirsty! And the water station wasn’t for like a hundred more years. Rough times. So I got to the water station finally and originally it appeared that they were out of water! I was slightly upset, because this meant I was definitely going to die. Fortunately there was like a secret table that had like little cups but you had to wait a few seconds in line to get the water so I’m going to blame my slower time on that hold up. After the water there were more hills and other nonsense but there were a lot of people cheering us on which was pretty cool and all the other people racing around me were being like super positive for some reason. It was a cool atmosphere! The very best part was the end because it was all downhill. What a beautiful thing that was. So I finished and I wasn’t last and I didn’t die so I was moderately impressed with myself.

After wandering around on the plaza for a bit and getting like 3 waters and some tasty snacks they were announcing the winners. I was actually walking back to my car when I saw a familiar face, and I was like…ummmm I think that girl went to Richmond! But then she disappeared. I ended up staying for the awards just because walking to my car sounded hard, and they were announcing the top ten. Most of them were not from America. BUT the fourth place finisher as they were announcing her the guy was like “Oh boy we don’t usually have Americans finishing this high!” and she came on stage and it was that girl! And they announced her name and I DID GO TO COLLEGE WITH HER. In fact we were the same year, and in like a ton of psych classes together. So at this point I’ve decided that I’m famous because of association. And the whole thing was just like weird because what a small world especially since she is not from around here and we definitely did not go to school near here. Anyway, so like any normal person I basically feel like I came in the top 10 and I’m starting to feel a lot better about how I did in the race! Like what the actual fuck? My sense of reality is a little twisted I think….Basically, right now I am convinced that I’m a famous athlete mostly because someone I had class with is an actual athlete and I’m a fake one reaping the benefits of her hard work. Totally normal.

So this post was stupid and boring so I’m going to try and write a real one later. The only real point of this was to pat myself on the back for not dying and to acknowledge the true fact that I practically won the whole race.