This is Absolutely Not a Real Post

This is mostly a reminder to MYSELF that I may have kinda sorta been slacking a little bit on the blog type situation. Bad girl. And like its not like I don’t have an idea of what I’m going to write! I know precisely what I want to write about and as time goes on its becoming less and less relevant so I should probably get on that.

Anyway, also if people cared I am still alive. I did not die in my absence, so, so far so good on that too.

Not everyone will appreciate this, again, this is mostly for myself, but I just wanted to treat those of you who will understand the significance of this, a picture of me. Look VERY CLOSELY. ImageGuys. I have COMMITTED to EYEBROWS. I am no longer going remain a member of #teamnoeyebrows. This is going to be a big step for me! Possibly. The problem really became apparent when an adorable small child came up to me and out of nowhere just plainly asked “Why do you not have eyebrows?” And I was like…. small child…… that is a tale you do not want to hear. Aka I was like “Haha I don’t know, they must have fallen off!” So in that moment I became very self conscious of my eyebrows! (or lack thereof) So I decided to give ’em a go and I think I’m committed. haha

So now that most of you still have no idea why on earth I would be rambling on about eyebrows for 7 hours I will end this fake post. I guess I shall end by saying that I went to my fake job today sooooo I guess its been a good day for my fake life! WOOT.

Peace y’all.

Either Obsessed or Ambivalent

Once upon a time there was an acquaintance of mine who seemed to always fall victim to the latest craze. As one trend became popular, she would become enamored and invested to a point which I, at the time, thought was actually crazy. For her it was always like pretty mainstream things like, for instance, The Jonas Brothers or like, I don’t know maybe some popular guilty pleasure TV show like Pretty Little Liars. Whatever, it could be anything really. But I noticed that this particular person would completely absorb themselves into that culture and it became their identity. At the time I just thought she was nuts. Not to say I wasn’t obsessed with stuff myself! I mean, I did every single animal report ever on Otters and if I took a picture of my room right now, over 75% of the things in this room have otters on them. But for some reason it always seemed weird to me that someone could be SO OBSESSED with something for one minute, and then just move on to the next thing that would temporarily take over their lives.

Within the past couple of years though I have noticed a similar trend in myself. Not so much the “going with what’s popular in the moment and then moving on” aspect but in the “PURE OBSESSION” aspect. For me, I don’t just “like” something. I either love it and know everything about it ever, or I really don’t care that much at all. There is barely a middle ground for me. Is that weird? I feel like it is. I feel like most people could be like, “Oh yeah I saw that movie it was good.” and move on with their lives. That person, is not me.



Example. This happens a LOT to me with books and TV shows. That’s why I hate the question “What’s your favorite book/TV show/movie/band” because it honestly really depends on the minute. Anyway, so a friend recommended to me that I watch the TV series Orphan Black since I had gotten into the BBC thing with my obsession with Downton Abbey. Within 48 hours I had finished the entire season of Orphan Black, researched like every aspect about it online, and proclaimed it my new favorite show. This cycle would be repeated just last week with Orange is the New Black. Once I “like” something, I need it and I need all of it and I need it NOW.

This is why it is hard for me to understand people sometimes. I am sort of crazy about Harry Potter and so when a new book came out I literally would not move/stop reading until I finished the book (which I can proudly say were all finished within one days time. winner) People would say logical things like “Oh I wanted to savor it, really take my time.” That makes complete logical sense. But like to me, it’s more like… WHAT?!?!? Are you crazy? I can’t get enough! How can I possibly live my life not knowing what happens in the next chapter, or the next??? So I HAVE to read it all in one sitting or I literally will not be able to function.

On the other end of the spectrum, I generally feel like if I don’t really love something, than I could probably care less. Unfortunately as I sit here, immersed in my love for so many random things, I’m having a hard time coming up with a good example of the opposite, however I can recall myself saying “Oh my god I haaaaaatttttteeee that” when in reality it just wasn’t my new favorite thing. Ok its really making me mad that I can’t think of an example right now and it is actually driving me crazy. Crap. Boooooo.

In summation, I think that I used to think I was NOT a typical fan girl because my obsessions were not always the “it thing” of popular culture at the moment, which obviously made ME different. But that’s so not true! I am just as crazy as everyone else! Sure my poison my not be Justin Beiber (um ew) but get me started on my current favorite book and I act like a lunatic! So, to the girl in high school who I couldn’t understand, I apologize. We are no different. She’s actually probably better than me, because when she loves something its probably universally loved. But me, I always go out on a limb for something a little different.

I literally took over 200 low quality pictures of otters

ImageAnd that one up there is one of the better ones. Keep THAT in mind. haha

So a week ago today I started what would end up being a very very long, exhausting, emotional, and rewarding trip. The destination? Atlanta, Georgia. Being from upstate NY, the most logical mode of transportation would be plane, right? Well, according to SOME people (my mother) it was going to be SUPER fun to drive all the way from Albany to Atlanta. This is not exactly my idea of fun. I mean I like a good road trip, but I don’t know, just me and my mom trapped in a car for 9+ hours a day for several days just didn’t seem that great to me. I was fairly unexcited, especially since there were like several things my mom wanted to do along the way which would just make the trip longer and longer and I was almost positive if I made it to Atlanta alive it would be a true miracle.

So we drove the first day down to Roanoke, VA which was slightly torturous except for the part where we stopped at the outlets. The next day we drove on the Skyline Drive through the Shenandoah Mountains which is basically Thatcher Park, on crack. Like I want to live there. Sadly, I was disappointed by a lack of bears even though the lady at the booth said we might see some. Rude.


After driving a little ways down through the mountains, we stopped at the Lurray Caverns which are the 4th largest caverns in the US? The world? Something, I don’t know. This time, think Howe Caverns, but 1000000 times bigger. While I was ultimately happy we went there I was originally terrified because I was convinced I was going to get trapped underground or like pierced by a stalactite/mite whatever thingy. Fortunately, I escaped unscathed.


like what if that fell on my head?

Anyway, so we ultimately made it to Atlanta yadda yadda yadda had a crazy weekend that was literally at every end of every spectrum ever (That’s for another time) and then, it was just over. I hate that! Isn’t it so strange when something just abruptly ends like that? I’m still not over it haha. So anyway, I knew I was going to need to console myself because I was all sad and what not, so I looked at the website for the Georgia Aquarium which was only a few blocks from the hotel and saw, to my great delight that SEA OTTER FEEDING WAS at 3:30!!!! I knew what had to be done. I marched myself straight down to that aquarium, waited in line for like 12 hours (ok maybe 30 minutes) and literally, RAN to the sea otter exhibit. I know you are probably thinking, noooo she probably didn’t really run. Well you would be wrong. Because I did. When I got there, there was already a huge crowd but I pushed my fat ass up to the front right in time to watch them start throwing food to the otters and the otters were doing tricks and it was just all too much. Within 5 minutes of arriving at the exhibit I was crying. THAT right there, is how much I love otters. The literally bring me to tears. So people around me were like staring (whatever, over it) but I would overhear someone say like “Oh my god, otters are so cute, I want one!” and I was like, ummmm no. You don’t get one. You haven’t DEDICATED YOUR LIFE to otters. Are you at this exhibit crying with joy right now? No. Please go away. Anyway, so I stayed there for like 45 minutes before the person working the exhibit started giving me hints it was time to move on. So I wandered around the rest of the aquarium which, honestly it is really cool. Totally recommend it. So I was going through the last room, when what do I find? RIVER OTTERS. I made a sound that cannot be described in words. This was fortunately less crowded, so I spent roughly another 45 minutes watching the 5 precious tiny little river otters play and kiss each other and it was so cute. Again, there were tears. And I took soooo many more pictures of the river otters because they stayed in one place longer than the sea otters did. I kept taking picture after picture after picture until my phone literally just died. I knew then, it was probably time to leave. And also it was like 6 which is when they were closing and I was kind of forced out. Rude.ImageMoral of the longest and most boring story ever, is that I legitimately need to own a pet otter (or 50) because it makes me so incredibly happy. I mean, I always knew I loved otters but as I stood there sobbing I knew, that owning a pet otter was no longer a dream, but a necessity.

**To support the “Kelly Needs a Pet Otter” Fund, please contact me for details. It’s a real charity, I swear.

If you think about it, it is actually completely justifiable

this is a picture of a person in a blue panda suit just because. You’re welcome. ImageOk so recently I have been setting a lot of “rules” for myself. Mostly because I looked at my bank account for the first time in like a month and screamed. I’ve always been careful with my money, but I also used to have absolutely no problem spending it. I mean, that’s what its there for right? But in these troubling times where my weekly medical bill is over $500 out of pocket, I realized that perhaps maybe I might want to rethink the necessity of certain things. Aka, maybe not eat out every single day of the week.

So with that in mind, I made some rules. No more buying coffee when you can make it at home (although I’m trying to give up caffeine altogether! kill me), no going out to lunch every single day when there is perfectly good food at home, and the most difficult rule, no more buying clothes unless they are legitimately necessary. I set my limitations around June 25 and for like 3 days I did AWESOME. I didn’t buy anything! I was so proud! But like, it was practically torture passing a Starbucks. Anyway, point is I was really proud and I was so hopeful for the future for like a day.

But then…… I got an email from one of the many discount clothing websites I get emails from and on July 1st there was going to be a Lilly Pulitzer sale. And I couldn’t resist. So July 1st at 11:00am while I was at work I broke the rules. I just went to TOWN buying things that I DO NOT NEED. But it was so fun and gave me a rush of adrenaline and it was awesome. So of course I was thinking, “hmmm well why stop now?!” so I decided to buy some Groupons, I signed up for a 5K, bought some more clothes, etc. etc. Whoops. Whatever, I was happy right?

So the next day I’m just hanging out online as per the usual and I notice that because I bought that Lilly stuff, I get free shipping on that website for 30 days. In my head, this translated to “Oh my god I have to buy so much more stuff to take advantage of this free shipping while I have it!!!!! What a GOOD DEAL!!!!!” Sooo what did I do? Buy more things. Specifically a bathing suit that I literally already have the exact same one in the same color and everything but this one was free shipping so I had to get it. That’s just how it works. And if you think about it, I’m really just saving money because everything I bought was already on sale and then there was the free shipping situation and like, I neeeeeed a bathing suit. And it will last me a while. These are all the things I tell myself as I hit the checkout button.

Of course some normal person would see this and be like, “yeah you crazy”, which is actually pretty accurate, but to me it all makes perfect sense! Yes, I have no money but if you buy things on sale you basically aren’t spending money. And when you buy things online that’s not real, right? That’s how that works? That’s how it works if you ask me!

And once the money spending rule was broken, a mere 5 days after it had been set in stone, I was an expert at justifying all sorts of things. Like giving up caffeine for example. What I wrote in my contract with myself was that I would give up coffee and soda. So for lunch I had Red Bull, which is NOT coffee or soda! Not breaking the rules! See what I did there? Same sort of thing with the not eating out daily. I am not a big breakfast person so I don’t really consider that a meal per se sooooo if I buy like a muffin or a bagel that’s not REALLY eating out because its just breakfast and that doesn’t count. Oh and ice cream and froyo never count. Just because they don’t. They don’t have calories in them either so basically those are freebies in all cases. haha Told you my sense of reality was a bit warped.

Anyway, the point is, I just think it is really funny how I can justify almost anything to myself. And I’m sure a lot of people must do that too? Or am I just some crazy person? I mean that would not be a shocker but I just thought a lot about how so often I will “break my rules” but then I make it ok by some bullshit explanation that doesn’t even make logical sense. I find that fascinating. So as of today, I’m getting back on the wagon! Time to try to follow the “rules” a bit better. But if I slip up, you can bet I had a good reason.

But when are we seriously going to get our act together on this time travel thing?

Happy 5th of July! Hope everyone had a nice and fun 4th and didn’t end up burned to a crisp like I did. That’s what I get for falling asleep outside in direct sunlight with no sunscreen on. Sigh. I never learn. So today is painful. Like walking, is hard. Not so much a fan. And although today would probably be another great pool day, I think I’m going to skip that today. Also, if you saw the weather this morning or look online it literally just says “Oppressive.” I’ll stick with air conditioning thank you very much.

I don’t really know what got me thinking about the topic of this blog, but I thought about it a couple days ago and my crazy imagination just went to town. Basically here’s the deal. Back in the 80s and 90s like how many movies were made about having the ability to time travel? Roughly a million (*that may not be a factual statistic hard to say). But seriously, Back to the Future? Right? Like we are supposed to have the technology to time travel by now. And I think it is simply criminal that we don’t! We have figured out how to have a car parallel park itself and developed innovations like the “Pizza Pizzazz” but we can’t like figure out time travel? Really? That’s appalling.

Now I’m not talking just simply “turning back time” like in Harry Potter. I mean that would have been nice too but all those time turners were destroyed at the Ministry of Magic so we are out of luck there. No, I want like full out going back into a totally different era. As a kid I always fantasized about living in different time periods. Coupled with my obsession with the “Dear America” books, “Magic Attic Club”,  Oregon Trail, and American Girl dolls I thought about this allllllll the time. So I have lots of stories that I made up as a kid of me living in different centuries, different countries, etc etc. And now, at 24, I think its time something is done about this!

Think about it. How cool would it be to go back to the Medieval Ages or be a Pilgrim or a crazy flapper girl of the 20s? And the weird part is, I don’t even want to go back to “just the good parts.” I want to know what it was like living through the depression. I want to experience growing up in the 1800s and working all day. I want to walk across the country to Oregon for the possibility of a new beginning. Not saying the good parts are a no go, just saying I really wish I could experience it all. And while I can read all I want about history, it could never compare to knowing that feeling, that experience of truly living a different life.

The point is, I am not smart and so I need someone with actual intelligence to start making me a time machine. And make it snappy. I personally don’t think enough of our resources are going towards time travel research. Like, maybe we could take a break on improving cell phones and focus on a time machine for a bit? Maybe? I think people would be happier. And its educational soooo I am not understanding why this isn’t a priority. Since I’m such an important person I’m sure the government is on the edge of their seats waiting to see what I’ll say next, so as soon as they see this they will get right on my time machine. But if they are “too busy” or whatever I challenge anyone else to make me a time machine. I will let you ride in it! I just think that its 2013 and it is practically unbelievable that we can’t time travel. I want to change that. Well, I want someone else to change that so I can benefit from it. Really, I’m just looking out for people everywhere.

Hopefully next time I’ll see you we could ACTUALLY party like its 1776!

Business Proposals: Part 1


As I have mentioned before, or you just may have guessed this for yourself, but I have somewhat of a wild imagination. I think of a lot of strange things that the majority of people would probably not ever think about. For instance, when I was little, every time I went on a plane I had this weird fantasy land idea that the seat I was sitting in, that tiny little space on the plane, was all I had in the world. Like, my backpack had all my possessions and I had to live just in that seat for the rest of my life. Why? Who thinks that? No one. Kids with problems… and we all know how my story ends.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. The point is I brainstorm a LOT. And what I’ve been brainstorming about recently are jobs. Not like, traditional jobs, but jobs that would utilize my very special and unique skill set. AKA jobs that don’t actually exist, yet. The following proposal was one of the first ideas I had and in all seriousness when I thought of it I thought I was a genius and that people would be begging for my services. And then people brought me down, haters gonna hate.

So here it is. I want to be………. An event planner for homeless people!!!! Does that not sound GREAT?!?!?!!? Let me explain. As almost anyone that knows me would tell you, I love free stuff. To a slightly abnormal degree. “Oh here’s some free newspapers, better take 10 just in case!” kind of deal. This combined with my closet life as a hoarder doesn’t always mix well but whatever. Anyway, because of my love of free stuff I spend a ridiculous amount of time researching free activities or whatever to do here in the Capital Region or really anywhere. I love it. I love finding free things!

So that’s the first part. And then I was thinking, well there must be other people that want to know what all the fun free things are to do around here. And then my next thought was, hey! What about homeless people?! They don’t generally have a lot of money, and I’m sure they want to do fun things as much as the next person rather than just walking around pointlessly all day…. soooo why don’t I become an events coordinator for homeless people to keep them busy during the day?! Brilliant, right? I think so.

Additionally, this could have added benefits! It would not only keep people busy, but off the street, out of trouble, not doing drugs, out of the elements, maybe there would even be food. Tell me I am not a miracle worker, please, try. hahaha

A small problem does lie in the whole, how would I get paid part…. So I need some rich person to really really believe in me and just decide to give me millions of dollars to tell people free things to do. If you know anyone, let me know, I’m in the market for a backer.

Even as I write this in a kind of making fun of myself and my dumb ideas kind of way I still think its a great idea. No one can bring me down! Not only is it just a nice thing to do, its philanthropic. And then I could go nationwide! Think of the possibilities!!!

If you want your chance to invest in “Event Planning for Homeless People by Kelly” please, go ahead and get started with this great new company as soon as possible. The management has many expenses that need to be taken care of…..

I’m (sort of) Unique!

I have nothing to say really. But I haven’t written in like 10000 years so i thought I’d give it a go before this turns into one of those situations where its just awkward if I do end up writing something because its been so long… ya feel me? Whatever. As I realized last night while I was writing something else, it has become very apparent that I have forgotten how to write or even think logically in the last week. Sorry, but I’m not sorry.

ANYWAY, SOOOO much has happened in the time since I last wrote anything which is why I think writing at all was a little intimidating to me! There were just so many choices of topics or themes or fun facts to bring up! I got overwhelmed. But then of course I realized that all of those things were really only relevant for like a hot minute and that no one would actually find them interesting when I wrote them. So then I got sad. Rough times man. So I don’t know what to do! As Michael Scott once said “Sometimes I start a sentence, and I have no idea where it’s going I just hope I find it along the way” (something to that effect, to lazy to find the actual quote). That is exactly what is happening right now. I’m hoping that magically, somehow, brilliance will strike and this will end up not being incredibly awkward like the current direction things are taking. Well its not looking good folks. Sorry.

Ok so I guess then what I’ll say is…. um… wait for it…. yeah. ok. ok. ok. whatever.

ImageOk so over the weekend I went to good old RVA for my friends wedding which was really just wonderful and the whole time I was there I was so happy which was surprising because I had literally been terrified about going down (which is a whole other story… save that for a rainy day). I was also on a mission while I was down there. See, in a moment of insanity I had bid on several auction items for things in Richmond because it was for a good cause and I really didn’t think I would actually win. Well low and behold, I won myself a gift certificate to a wine store (totally useful) and not one, but FIVE passes to the Richmond Museum of Science that have to be used by December 31. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good science museum and I’ve been to the one in Richmond before and I liked it but 5 seems a little extreme considering I don’t actually live there. So the goal was to use at least one of those passes and my gift certificate while I was there. I’m happy to report that mission accomplished.

The picture above is from the science museum. There was this little computer screen that asked you a bunch of physical questions, like if you had a widow’s peak or if you could roll your tongue and then it ultimately told you how different you were from everyone else who had done that little quiz thing. I was just doing it because I like pressing buttons, but the whole concept was actually kind of cool. Like, I thought about it and just on physical traits alone, I matched 12 out of 100,000 people! Which is both more than I expected and also less then I expected. Does that make sense? No, of course not. When do I ever make sense. sheesh. Anyway, so out of 100,000 people, 12 of us kind of look vaguely similar. Vaguely. But then, take into consideration personality and all that jazz! And then I was shocking myself with the insanity of it all that in reality everyone is so different from one another. No matter how similar you are, there are still 100s of things that make you different from someone else. I don’t know why this is something that is just occurring to me now, but mind. blown. More importantly, what I realized from their silly little experiment was that just as I thought, I am definitely weird and unique. And I am perfectly happy with that. I don’t think I would like someone just like me… it would be too weird. So moral of this absolutely pointlessly long and drawn out story, is that I love being different. Not all the time, but right now it’s ok. I’m going to keep on keeping on with all the weird, cause who else would do it if I didn’t?

And in her Broadway Debut….


So tonight is the Tony Awards! Which is like SO EXCITING to super cool people like me who love Broadway and Theater and all that jazz (HA theater joke). Plus Neil Patrick Harris is hosting again, which is just brilliant because he is the best ever. But this post is not about the Tonys. I’m sure you are all devastated.

I mentioned in my very first post ever that I am very much in the midst of a quarter life crisis. What am I doing with my life?!?!?! and that kind of thing. ya know. Not anything that interesting. While my personal development has been stunted as of late, my creativity has NOT and so I have come up with several very exciting job/business proposals to become a millionaire/famous/a person with a job. This one however, I cannot take credit for. Not only did I not think of this for myself, but its a LEGITIMATE job. So I don’t even have to convince people to hire me for a job that doesn’t exist like many of my other proposals!!! No, this idea was presented to me by my dear neighbor/friend Allison. I, Kelly, aspire to be a Broadway Child Wrangler.

Now “child wrangler” is kind of the slang term, those in the business prefer “child guardian” or something that doesn’t sound so strange but basically its a glorified babysitting job. However, do NOT say this to a Child Wrangler. Apparently they are quite touchy about that. So I’ve read.

Anyway, so basically the job is this. Parents of kids under 18 aren’t allowed backstage for productions, but the child actors need to be supervised by an adult to make sure they don’t kill each other or burn the place down while they are off stage. In comes the child wrangler. You basically just keep them entertained, get them to stage on time, and hang out backstage. There are also tutors for these child prodigies of Broadway which is a very real second option for me, but that seems like it would involve like actual knowledge. And work. Which sounds hard. Regardless, Allison told me of these wonderful aspects of child wrangling and I was sold. This is my calling!!!!! It combines so many things that I love! Theater + children + organization = HAPPY KELLY!!! Of course, I would totally exploit this job as a way to become best friends with theater people and convince them to put me in a broadway show despite having no talent or ability. I could however, reference my excellent dice collecting skills as was seen in the 2007 High School Performance of the musical Grease. Which in case you weren’t lucky enough to see, was me collecting black puffy dice in the pitch dark super fast from all over the stage during scene change. It was, and I’m not even kidding, so incredibly stressful. But, every night those dice were gone by the next scene. I deserve an award.

The point of the dice is that I clearly have extensive theater experience and I could totally be like “angry town person #7” or “person that waves” or something on Broadway. I don’t even need to say anything! Just be there would be enough. So to get to live the dream of standing on stage in a real Broadway performance I am going to start my journey as a mere Child Wrangler. Which actually sounds ridiculously awesome to me anyway. And the second I get that job, the next time someone asks me my least favorite question (So what do you do?) I’ll just laugh, slightly embarrassed, and say “Oh me, I’m just on Broadway”

And this is why I need to rethink my priorities

I am definitely not a normal person. Meaning, I think I would happily categorize myself as a nerd slash social outcast slash awkward person. I don’t know. Point is, I’m super special. I have a tattoo in Elvish on my foot. Harry Potter is the closest thing I know to religion. I have cried more over the plight of fictional characters than I ever have about anything in my own life. It upsets me that Starbucks/Barnes and Noble/other coffee places aren’t open 24/7 so I can just go there and be awesome and alone. My favorite part of school has always been buying school supplies. To this day I agonize over choosing the perfect pen and I love getting new highlighters and sharpies. Almost the entirety of my free time is spent doing research on really random topics. Or sometimes not so random (aka, I really need to move on from the otter thing but that’s never going to happen!). And of course, I’d rather go to see a show at the theater than a movie. So yes I’m a little different. But that’s how I like it. There are times however, when I realize how lame I really am sometimes. Today was one of them.

I should also mention that what occurred today has in fact happened before. Last time it was just a weird kind of awkward thing, but today I was like…. umm need to rethink some priorities here Kelly! Basically, as most of you know, the library is the best place on earth. FREE BOOKS?!?! Like are you kidding?? That is heaven. So yes, I totally take advantage of the library! I don’t know why more people don’t. Daily I think of new movies, CDs, and books that I want to check out and then I request them from the library. So my request list is usually pretty long, but because I am sadly not the most important person in the entire world, sometimes it takes a while to get what I want. Today however, the library called me because I had too many books on hold at the library and they didn’t have enough room to store them all. Again, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I think the experience is so humiliating because the library staff are totally judgmental when you get to this point. As she stood there scanning each book, she just shook her head, repeatedly saying “You’re not going to be able to do it” under her breath. And I was like Hey! Give me a chance! I mean in all reality she is probably right, I’m not going to finish all of them before they need to go back, but she could at least encourage me to try! Jerks!

The point of that randomly long and pointless little story is that if I put as much effort into something more self – improving, I would probably not be where I am right now. It seems as if my priorities and energy are being directed mostly at the library these days. And while reading is obviously great, considering the present situation, my time might be better used elsewhere. But what on earth could I do that would ever be as much fun as carrying bags of free books out of the library? Riddle me that.Imagethe above picture is of me in Hawaii on the day Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince came out, at like 7 in the morning. I did not move much that day.