Dental Floss must have Magical Powers.

In general, I like to pride myself on keeping an assortment of toiletries, extra shampoo/conditioner, toothpaste, etc. so that when I inevitably run out, I’ve got a back up on hand. There are of course, times I am unprepared. So one morning, after using the very last of my travel size toothpaste, I was making a list of things I would buy while I was out.  I noticed I was out of dental floss, but I didn’t put it on my list. I didn’t even look for it in the store.

I don’t think I have ever bought dental floss ever in my whole life. Not that this has been a conscious choice, but I swear somehow, every single time I think I’m out of dental floss a brand new one appears out of thin air. How does it do this?! I’ve never questioned it because, hey one less thing I have to buy right? And that evening, when magically the dental floss fairy provided a new one in my bathroom drawer that I had only checked maybe 1000 times earlier that day, I had the realization that there must be some sort of magic involved here.

I could not stop thinking about this the rest of the night. And most of the next day. And I’m still thinking about it a week later. Where is all this dental floss coming from? Has anyone ever actually bought dental floss in a store, or am I the only one experiencing this very odd phenomenon? How are they making money off of this? Is this why there aren’t any dental floss ads, because it doesn’t need to be advertised since it magically appears in our homes?! I remain baffled. And I am genuinely curious about how this happens.

So am I crazy? (well obviously but ya know). Have people bought this product in a store? Have you ever received dental floss anywhere other than your annual dental check up “goody bag”??? SO MANY QUESTIONS with seemingly no answers. One day, we may find an answer to the real problems we are facing.

p.s. iheartfall

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Stop Ruining My Life Book Covers!!!!

Ok, I know that a lot of books have been turned into movies because the availability of original plot lines is practically non – existent but can we please just STOP IT with the book covers saying “Now a Major Motion Picture!” with the actors on the cover? I DO NOT WANT THAT BOOK. I want the original cover, and no mention of it being a movie. Is that really so much to ask? Just stop. Please. I’m tired of seeing LOTR books with Elijah Wood on them. If I want to buy a book, I’m buying THE BOOK, not the movie. If I want to do that, I shall do that later, on my own time. I realize this is probably completely irrelevant to everyone else on the planet, but this is just a small thing that really annoys me and therefore it must go away. The End.

This is just wrong.

This is just wrong.

AH HA! I AM NOT the only person that this bothers, look at this post and just be sad for the covers that will never be the same again….. 15 Book Covers That Make Us Sad

Amen to that fellow book lovers! 

Random Thoughts on Life, Love, and Drunk People

It is Sunday again. How did that happen? Where does the time go?! Which actually that reminds of a paper I wrote on the illusion of time for an English class in college and now I’m probably going to think about that again for like 4 hours……. I’ll try not to get into it here, because you probably don’t care. 😛

Random Thoughts of the Week:

  1. Why, just WHY, must some websites INSIST on sending you a confirmation email when you unsubscribe from whatever nonsense emails they keep sending you. Like I am literally telling you that your emails as pissing me off, and yet they have the audacity to send me that ONE FINAL EMAIL just to prove that they are better than me?!?!?! I don’t why this bothers me so much, probably no one else even thinks about this, but I’ve decided it is a cruel trick to play to show that really, even though you think you have defeated them, they have won the war. Jerks
  2. Just please take a moment to look at these tiny baby goats and then cry because I want one so badly

    TINY BABY GOATS!

    TINY BABY GOATS!

  3. It is a little bit absurd what people will complain about. Like ok, yes I just complained about the email thing, but like that isn’t something I would go out of my way to email someone about or call and complain, because I have the common sense to realize that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter. But I’ve talked to several people recently who work in customer service, and being a customer service vet myself, and it is actually laughable what people will call and complain about! And what they expect you to do to make them happy! “Wow, I’m so sorry ma’am that you had to wait in line for 10 minutes, that must have been really tough, but if that was literally the worst part of your day, I’d say you are doing pretty well.” I recently was talking with the box office manager of a big local theater and she said that over the winter, someone called for a refund for their ticket to an event, that raises money for childhood cancer research, because it was snowing and it wasn’t his fault “the **explative** kids had cancer.” Seriously? Really? That is appalling. — > Sorry, that got way more intense and serious than I had planned… awk.
  4. Drunk people will give you all of their money if you ask and smile nicely. And then they will forget they gave you any money and give you more. Excellent. So if anyone needs to do some fundraising, go someplace where the people are pretty drunk. Haha

And those are all the thoughts in my head. Probably. Or at least the only ones I can remember…. Sad times, when you are so old you don’t even remember your own thoughts. Even though the mall police still card me because I look younger than 18…..My life is just really rough

My Interpretation of the Oscars (roughly to completely inaccurate)

Ok, I love a good awards show. What I love even more is watching said awards show while simultaneously being on twitter and laughing at what everyone says to like every single minute detail of the event. I have a lot of fun by myself. It’s cool.

So anyway, I also had my own thoughts on ‘Hollywood’s Biggest Night’ as I’m sure practically every person did. But I’m mostly sure that all of MY thoughts were really wrong.

Things I thought/believe about the Oscars last night:

  1. They are PLAYING HARRY POTTER MUSIC and it is the best moment of my entire life! Hey and that’s Mary Poppins “Lets Go Fly a Kite” !!! Is there an Oscar for best background/fade to commercial music??? (there should be, because A+)
  2. Jennifer Lawrence is great and seems to fall over as randomly as I do so I feel like we should probably talk about that.
  3. Frank Underwood is at the Oscars!!!!!!! oh my god is he going to kill anyone!??!! Wait, why isn’t he talking normally anymore? Who is this other person who looks like Frank? Please go away, I want Frank back (unless he is going to kill me…..)
  4. Is Idina Menzel going to sing yet? Is she? Is she? IS SHE? WHY ISN’T SHE SINGING YET I CAN’T GO TO BED UNTIL SHE SINGS.
  5. Well, clearly John Travolta is a huge Broadway fan. (this one is probably accurate though….)
  6. I think all the people should win!
  7. OK hold on. Alfonso Cuaron directed HP numero tres, and HE just won an Oscar…….WHICH MEANS HARRY POTTER JUST WON AN OSCAR. (not even a little true)
  8. I bet Kristen Bell kind of regrets that she brought a burrito in her clutch cause she could have gotten free pizza…….(but it’s still really cool she brought a burrito)
  9. And finally, 12 Years a Slave just won an Oscar. That is the story of a man who lived in Saratoga. Which is practically where I live. Which means we are basically neighbors (despite the part where he is dead). So therefore based on logic the 518 won the WHOLE OSCARS. (nope, not accurate).

And that is how I feel about the Oscars.

Happy Monday Almost Being Over.

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please be the weekend, please be the weekend, please be the weekend.

So this is my brain. Beware.

Questions That I Think About on a Daily Basis (most of which are completely impossible)

  1. How absolutely amazing will it be when (notice I say when, not if….#delusional) I get two baby otters as pets and then they are best friends and we are all best friends together and I just sit and play with them and watch them and cry all day?!?!??!!?

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    Is this not the most precious thing in the entire world? I am seriously getting one. or 100.

  2. What if that thing happens like in that book that I can never remember the name of that we read in school 9 million years ago and all the adults (real adults, I’m still a fake adult so I’d be good) randomly disappear and then children are ruling the world? Like I would definitely not survive. I would probably be one of the first to go right? Definitely.
  3. Can I marry my dog?

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    Pretty Please?

  4. Where can I get free money?
  5.  Is there anything I can get today for free?
  6. Ok so if I can’t MARRY Sherlock, can he definitely be my best man/ring bearer/everything ever?
  7. Seriously what happened to my Hogwarts letter 14 years ago? (I have a theory but I need the truth)
  8. Why has no one revoked my speaking privileges yet? Because I really should not be allowed to talk to people. Or be in public for that matter. It’s for your own good believe me…..

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    seriously, don’t let me talk to people.

  9. WHEN IS THE NEXT TIME I CAN EAT APPLE CIDER DONUTS UNTIL I EXPLODE?
  10. Why have we not invented things that I think are way more important than whatever they are inventing now? Like time machines! And flying cars! Weren’t we like promised to have those by now? Rude. Where’s my Apple iCar or something?
  11. How on earth am I related to these people? Also do I have relatives? Who knows. haha

And that is what I spend my days doing. Thinking about really irrelevant things that make absolutely no sense or are just in no way helpful at attempting to move forward in life.

Also, I’m officially 25 now, which means I’m basically 30 which is practically the same as 40 and I’m basically dead already. Sheesh.

“I can’t emphasize enough how little we thought about this”

hahaha ohhhh Parks and Recreation, such a good show. Not only is the title of this post one of many favorite lines, somehow, weirdly, I think it has become my “theme.” Which is WEIRD if you know me because the problem is usually over-thinking! But recently I have just kind of been “taking the plunge” and doing random things without much thought! Nothing crazy of course like getting married or moving to China, but little things. So far, I haven’t had too many regrets…. although I am a tad concerned about a decision I didn’t think about at all but did anyway on Friday, but I won’t know if I should regret that until Tuesday night…. so we shall see. hm. So 2014, the year I am just going to do stuff. No thinking. Unless of course thinking is necessary.

OK. So what I wanted to do was to just randomly share bits and pieces of information, some things I found funny, maybe some stock tips? (yeah right I know nothing about stocks) So here you are, a list of RANDOM INFORMATION, for probably only my reading pleasure.

1. I just can’t stop laughing at this

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SO ACCURATE, except replace “Thin Mints” with “Samoas”

2. What I awkwardly vaguely referred to about a decision I did not think through at all is that I decided to join an adult coed soccer league. And my first game is Tuesday night. I always said I wanted to do an adult league of some sport but like I never found any and then even if I had I probably was going to find some way to not do it. But this just kind of fell at me, and in a moment of insanity I signed up. So, going to play soccer, which I haven’t done in years, with a bunch of strangers. Terrified might be an understatement.

3. On Friday, January 10, 2014 I officially became an old person. The following reasons will prove why.

  • I just fell over while walking and managed to twist my ankle/foot/land really hard on my back and was then unable to walk for several days (still working on it actually)
  • I ACTUALLY went out in public (I attempted to ice skate which was a really great idea because I am terrible) and found myself mumbling under my breathe, alone, by myself, about some “damn kids!” (Which honestly I don’t regret because don’t take your classroom of children ice skating if they have absolutely no idea how to behave in public. Or skate.)
  • I spent the majority of the day icing every part of my body because my whole body, just hurt. 
  • I may have argued with some poor girl over like a $1.00 price difference…

In conclusion. I’m 100 years old.

4. . A certain rabbit (who shall remain nameless and I do apologize to his owners because he can be super sweet and cute) flung a piece of his rabbit poop at me and I diagnosed him with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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Look how innocent he looks. And he is so nice when you are able to pet him, but I mean sometimes he goes a little nuts….(I still love him and I’m taking good care of him I swear!!!!)

5. Apparently, if a child is injured, they become 100000x more adorable and suddenly do the cutest things ever and want to be your best friend (and steal your dog as well…)

He took my phone and I'm not exaggerating at all but he took 149 pictures in the span of mayyyyybeeee 10 minutes.

He took my phone and I’m not exaggerating at all but he took 149 pictures in the span of mayyyyybeeee 10 minutes.

Well there you have it. I could go on, but you’d be bored by me if you aren’t already. Enjoy the last moments of the weekend! I shall be doing as little as humanly possible before the craziness that begins tomorrow…. sigh.

P.S. Also, THIS. (my friend sent me this and if something like this happened to me with a favorite book of mine I would just absolutely never stop crying of joy.)

This is a REAL LIFE goal of mine

So it’s no secret I LOVE free stuff. I don’t even care what it is, if it’s free I’ll take it I don’t care.

And every so often I go through a period of OBSESSIVELY entering as many giveaways as possible in the hopes that MAYBE I’ll win something (FREE!)

Because, true life: My real goal in all of life is to WIN something.

I’m not even a little bit joking.

The only thing I have ever won in my entire life was when I was about 9 years old. It was parents night at Heldeberg Workshp, and if you happened to go there, you may remember that there was always a raffle on parents night. And one year, I became obsessed with (of all things), a walking stick. I HAD to have it. It was beautiful, hand carved, apparently really necessary in my life and I wanted to win it so badly. I begged and pleaded for tickets to entire the raffle and my mom maybe bought me like 5 or something and I put all my hopes and dreams in those 5 tickets and waited to feel the excitement of holding the walking stick in my hand, triumphant.

Well, do to some luck, probably the fact that not very many people had entered the raffle, and the prayers of an innocent young blonde with an unfortunate set of bangs, I WON that walking stick. It was the proudest and most excited I had ever been. I walkled around with it for days, before I decided I was scared I would ruin it and so I put it in a place of honor in my room, where it has since stayed.

Since that day, the day of the walking stick, I have been hunting, searching, and waiting to experience the pure joy of winning something again. So I spend many hours of my life, doing all the necessary things to enter as many contests or giveaways as possible. That potentially may be the reason I receive so many strange emails that I don’t know why I’m receiving…. hmmm lightbulb moment there. But to no avail. Not since I was 9 have I experienced a win. I mean by law of averages you would think that by NOW something would have happened. But, unfortunately no luck.

I have no idea why it is so important for me to win something. Maybe because I never really like got any awards as a child and my inner freudian child is angry and wants to get an “award” (although, I DID come in first place in a Pumpkin Carving contest in like 5th grade, of which I am still extremely proud but did not receive a physical trophy…..). I did not grow up in the days of the “participation trophy” and so my trophy shelves remain empty and covered in dust. But maybe, just maybe, if I could win something, just once, I would feel like one of those terrible children on “Toddlers and Tiaras” and get to show off my trophy to everyone. (except they get like crowns and puppies which like isn’t even fair but don’t get me started….)

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This is an example of something that I didn’t win. Although this is also something I never attempted to win…. but still. It counts.

One week until Christmas! Done shopping yet? I thought I was in my head where everything has been done months ago but then when I ACTUALLY said out loud what I had actually physically gotten, I realized I have done nothing. WHOOPS. Better get shoppin!

The Pumpkin Tells!!!!!

The reason that “The Pumpkin Tells” deserves to be the title of this post is because I have been sitting, for an hour, trying to remember how that song went. It’s like 5 words but I could NOT for the life of me, remember what it was or the tune or anything. So, all of the sudden I was just like “OH MY GOD THE PUMPKIN TELLS” and everything was magically better. If you don’t remember this song, or weren’t fortunate enough to experience it in elementary school music class, we like all sang the little song until the “clock struck midnight” and then the teacher told us what we were going to be. Ahhh….. Nostalgia… and pretty soon it will be time to bring back good old “Guzzle, Guzzle, Guzzle, Munch, Munch, Gobble, Gobble, Chomp!” The good old days. And also, oh my god its like November. Confused.

Nothing of interest to say, but I like fail at writing in this so I’m wingin it. Halloween is A WEEK FROM TODAY. AHHHHHHHH. Put me in charge of decorations, making the kids I babysit a really adorable little pumpkin full of fun halloween things (I’m like way too proud of it….haha), let me pick out fun accessories. BUT put ME in charge of thinking of a costume? Nope. Can’t be done. I think I am actually the worst ever at coming up with Halloween costumes. And every year, I’m like “Ok, Kelly, this is the year. We are going to think about this AHEAD of time and have an ACTUAL costume, when the time comes.” That has not happened once. I’m the girl on Halloween or the day of a costume party who is running around 2 hours before grabbing the most random crap ever and basically just put some ears on, OR I stand by my personal favorite of wearing regular clothes, sticking a name tag on, and telling people I’m on Wheel of Fortune. But THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH. This year, I am HOPING, to have a “real costume.” But then today when I realized it is Thursday, and the whole costume situation needed to pick up the pace, I panicked a bit. haha Fortunately, I have very creative friends who have given me some ideas, that I MAY actually be capable of pulling off. Because not only am I not creative, I’m not crafty. I can’t like, make things. And I’m apparently not clever when it comes to interpretation. So my options are limited.

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A Another Classic Standby, Luna Lovegood. However I think I threw out my bottle cap necklace/other accessories do to some clumsy “spillage”

Anywho, yeah. It’s Thursday. This week flew by but went extremely slowly? Does that make any sense. I mean whatever it totally makes sense to me. Like today feels like THE LONGEST DAY OF ALL TIME, but like tomorrow is Friday? Already? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying.

WELP OK. Now I shall just post some random pictures as I feel necessary because my brain is turned off for the day. Adios.

This is my brother. Who is very much alive, because SOME people didn't think he was real. Also, he is in my light. Tyra would NOT be impressed.

This is my brother. Who is very much alive, because SOME people didn’t think he was real. Also, he is in my light. Tyra would NOT be impressed.

 

 

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Awww look at my baby…. (fine. he’s 13. not a baby.)

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I thought maybe I should actually include a picture of pumpkins in a post entitled “The Pumpkin Tells”……… so yay MINI PUMPKINS

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Oh. Just awkwardly sitting on some hay. In a corner. By myself. Being Awesome.

 

OMG TGIF LOL BFF4EVA

I don’t even know how to explain what just happened with that title. Someone take away my internet privileges.

SOOOOOO GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! This isn’t a real post. Sorry. It’s just a collection of random things that I feel like writing down. Hooray!

1. I think that someone is actually going to have to tie my hands anytime I go into a bookstore now because after last weekends LIBRARY BOOK SALE (A DOLLAR FOR A WHOLE BAG!!!!!!!!!!) I can NOT buy any more books. My “to read” pile of books I’ve bought just over the last 6 months is now well over 60 books. And those are just the ones I’ve bought. But I can’t stop myself! So someone slap me if you see me trying to buy a book. sad face.

2. I decided that it is NOT appropriate to ask your parents and random aunt and uncle you have not seen in a million years whether or not your Grandmother is still alive while at a nice dinner. Fortunately I did not actually ask, although several times they were talking about her for some reason and I REALLY wanted to know! Like is she dead? I haven’t been getting birthday checks for years, I just want answers. In other news, apparently I have relatives?

3. The bank is stupid. And probably scamming me. They charged me $55 to reorder checks! Like the boring ones with nothing on them. What??!?!? Fairly upset about that.

4. What type of shoes do I wear with my maxi skirts now that it is fall? Because I was trying one on the other day and I tried several pairs of flats but it just looked really awkward. So what is the protocol on that one?

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SO HAPPY ITS FALL!!!! I love apple picking! I may have already been twice and possibly (definitely) want to go more times!! Fall = happiness

5. (because I always have to have 5! yep, that’s still a thing) Would it be embarrassing if I wore knee pads to babysitting? Because this one child will NOT let me stand up and only always me to crawl on the hardwood floor on my knees. And it really hurts guys. Ok, yeah, he’s three and he is dictating my life but that’s because I’m a people pleaser! I can’t say no! So basically just. ow. My knees CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Well that’s all. Have a WONDERFUL weekend full of rainbows and unicorns! Or whatever else makes you happy. I don’t care. 🙂

Lasagna is the Reason I Have Trust Issues

Ok so it all started with an innocent day at work.

Basically so for the past couple weeks I’ve had mono. I’m telling you, its just super fun. I love not eating solid food or being able to be awake for more than like 3 hours, and not being able to talk and the feeling of knives stabbing the inside of my throat. All super great. So fun. haha I just think it is weird that I like somehow survived high school and college, never really ever got sick and I feel like thats generally when people get mono and then I like have no contact with the human world for a while and somehow get mono. I’m pretty sure I got it from my dog, cause that’s the only man I’m kissin! 😛

Anyway so for a while I was living pretty much exclusively on ice, popsicles, chicken broth, really really thin smoothies because not only did my throat basically completely close up I also weirdly wasn’t able to open my mouth? That’s not a thing. Who am I? But yeah so after a few days, I have to say, you kind of go a little bit nuts because I just wanted to like, chew on something. It was weird. Whatever. After a while my mom decided that it was time to try and incorporate some solid food. So she told me in the morning that she was going to make lasagna for dinner because she thought that might be fairly easy for me to handle. Cool. Fine by me. I like lasagna. No problem.

So quick backstory, my mom is a pretty good cook. I guess I was lucky. She has always really really enjoyed cooking which is truly beyond me because I am on the exact opposite end of that spectrum. And like for pasta and stuff she always makes homemade sauce and I’ve always liked it. Every so often she tries new recipes like every other person, whatever. I usually like it. But a couple of years ago she made this new pasta meat sauce. And I liked it, but like, my first thought when I had it was “I think there is pork in this.” More backstory, I don’t eat pork. Sometimes if I’m bored I lie and say its for some reason but its not. I just honestly don’t like any pork products. Even bacon guys. True story. So yes, I had this thought that there was pork in this new sauce, but I didn’t say anything. I stayed quiet because I thought, my own mother, would have the DECENCY to at least TELL me that there was pork in this new creation. But we all ate our pasta in silence.

Fast forward to the day of this lasagna. So my mom made the lasagna, it was like 7:00 I was exhausted because like that was late for me I was usually in bed by then. I may have been a bit ornery. I get my piece of lasagna and cut of possibly the smallest piece of a noodle ever and successfully ate it. However, on that day, I was sick of all the secrecy. Despite my ill taste buds, I could still taste that pork in the sauce. So I stood up and said something. (IMPORTANT INFO REGARDING THE FOLLOWING THE CONVERSATION: Mono had stripped me of my vocal chords and so I was literally talking maybe as loud as a whisper? And also my brother said even then I sounded like I had been deaf my whole life. So not a great voice for debate)

Me: “Mom, just tell me the truth. Is there pork in this?”

Mom: Nervously laughs and looks at my dad

Me: “I feel like I have been lied to for far to long! Just tell me!”

Dad: “I think its just beef” (ummm what on earth do you know dad? you never have made an actual meal in your life)

Mom: “Well, I don’t know, I use beef…”

Me: “Yes…. and…”

Mom: “Yes, there is A LITTLE pork in it, but its just a little and I don’t use it all the time and etc etc etc (trying to get out of this)”

Me: ” I KNEW IT (not actually yelling due to lack of vocal chords) I SEE IT RIGHT HERE. I’VE KNOWN ALL THESE YEARS BUT I NEVER SAID ANYTHING AND I ATE IT AND YOU MADE ME EAT PORK”

Mom: “Yes, and look, you didn’t die!”

Me: “Irrelevant”

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This is not actually the day of the incident. You can tell because I look like a living person and because in actuality there would have been much angry in the eyes.

So the moral of this story is that I spent the rest of my time at dinner picking out every single piece of pork I saw and politely pointing it out to my parents and felt forever betrayed.

*Also I realize I never explained how this all started with an innocent day at work, but I have decided NOT to explain this. I don’t know why. Actually yes I do, I’m still too upset about the pork incident.