I’d rather be happy

If you know anything about me at all, you know that I am ridiculously obsessed with free stuff. I spend hours researching free activities, entering contests, trying to get free money, etc., etc., so the following might seem a BIT out of character. Do not be too alarmed. (I still like free stuff don’t worry).

This is something that I have always kind of lived by, but today it really like hit me in the face for absolutely no discernible reason. Another contradiction that I am a walking example of is that I like to do new things, try and have unique experiences and take advantage of what I can do while I can! Of course at the same time, I’m like terrified of trying new things, but in the end, to me the experience is always worth it.

So what hit me today was that I would rather be happy than “rich.” Ok I know that sounds cliche and stupid. So let me explain. This week I spent $70.00 at bookstores. Some people may think that is absurd when I already have a zillion books and the pile of “to-read” books is getting taller than I am, but finding a book, picking it up and imagining the possibilities within it? That’s thrilling to me! Finding really random kitchy things that I don’t really need or something I find really funny, I love that. I want to buy all of it. I don’t care if other people think it’s a waste of money or if people think I’m crazy, it’s something that really makes me happy.

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True Story

I feel the same way about spending a little extra money to go do something that I know I truly enjoy. Or to try something I’ve always wanted to do. I know that pretty much everyone else does not share this opinion. Especially as someone in their mid-twenties, the main focus for so many people my age is money. And I totally understand, I know that I have to (and I do) save money for school and for bills and for rent and for becoming a “real adult.” And it might seem irresponsible for me to write this, especially since I work 3 fake jobs and make very little money, but I save almost all of it so why shouldn’t I spend a little more to do things that make me happy. Would I like to have a good job and a really solid savings account and enough money to be a “real adult”? Absolutely, I’d love that! But that isn’t my reality right now, so while I can I want to try new things. I want to go out for a fancy dinner or go to a play or try  a random kayaking adventure.

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So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past several years, well really ever since high school. Unfortunately I remain alone in this venture, because my friends are sensible real adults who have real lives to worry about! So I’m awkward loner in the corner at a random event, or literally the only person who goes to like a Paint/Drink place alone, but I enjoy it. I don’t like blow all my money on some crazy vacation that I’ll never be able to pay off or something like that, but I will spend a little more if I know that even for just a few hours, I will get to enjoy my life. I may never be a rich woman, but I won’t regret doing what makes me happy.

Happy Weekend!

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I am far too involved in not real life….

…..and that is seriously true to probably an unhealthy extent. haha

What I mean by “not real life” is basically TV/movies/BOOKS. Of course there are other forms of not real life, like ‘Fantasy Football’ or those weird video game cults or whatever where boys spend 19 hours a day playing video games. And I think that in all of these fantastical lives we lead separate from ourselves, most people tend to fall into the category that I am in. Far too committed for something that is actually not real life.

So like for example my last post was about books because books are the best ever and I love all the books. I’ve been reading some really excellent books recently and I find myself being seriously emotionally affected by the book I’m reading. So I just finished The Dinner by Herman Koch (another thriller/mystery….I’m really on that train these days!) and after I would read a certain section and have to stop for whatever “real life” thing I was being forced to attend to, I would still be thinking about the book. I was thinking about the characters, I was angry at of them for something they did and I was feeling like I needed to protect this other character…..things of that nature. THESE PEOPLE AREN’T REAL KELLY. But I apparently can NOT separate fiction from reality.

The same goes for TV shows. I just finished House of Cards (which seriously watch that it is so good) and oh my god I felt all those things being thrown viciously at the characters as if they were being thrown at me! So and so just revealed this huge secret about character x? WHAT AM I, Kelly in the real world, GOING TO DO TO TRY AND RECTIFY THIS SITUATION. This is what goes through my head. It’s weird, but I think most people kinda get that way? Correct me if I’m horribly wrong and this is just a personal problem that I should save for sometime when I’m laying on a couch being psychoanalyzed. It is so interesting to me though how we can fall so deeply into this other reality! I want to study this. Can the study involve me just watching Netflix all day and reading all the books ever and wearing my homeless clothes? Ok good, study is on then.

One last thought about this, that I think may prove to be an early sign of sociopathic tendencies (uh oh) is that on a lot of shows I’ve been watching recently there is a clear “bad guy” who you like at first but then over time you are all “Oh. Wow. This person is terrible. There are just secretly pretending they are a good person.” The best example I can think of would be Walter White in Breaking Bad. He starts off this dorky innocent dying teacher and becomes a murderous drug lord. So yeah, I should probably hate him. BUT NO. I keep finding myself STILL feeling sympathy for him. “He did all of it for his family!” “He was protecting Jesse until the very end!” Why do I still like the bad guys so much? I still believe in them! I still believe they are inherently good! But how can I say that as I watch a character push another person in front of a train? Somehow, in my brain, I’m thinking “That was truly awful, but maybe he had to?” What is wrong with me?

So if in 15 years I’m on the news for being a psycho/crazed lunatic, perhaps show them this. I feel like this can’t be a good sign….

Anyone else feel any love for the bad guys? My guess is no. haha

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I want this.

If you don’t like books don’t read this

…..and also you are practically dead to me. But regardless, the following is a list of books I’ve read recently/within the past year that I absolutely recommend to anyone who likes to read. And I do this only because I love sharing wonderfulness I find in books/movies with the world!! Also now next time someone asks me for a book suggestion they may refer to this list! Soooo here are some books for a snow day like today, books I believe that we should be required to read AS HUMAN BEINGS.

1. Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

yes Gone Girl was the one that got all the hype (and I did like that book quite a bit too!) but I don’t think nearly enough credit has gone to her two earlier novels. Dark Places is my favorite. I find it more mysterious and thrilling, scary and captivating than Gone Girl. Definitely not a “beach read” but an excellent psychological thriller.

2. Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline

I honestly did not know about this part of history and it is horribly fascinating and makes for a damn good book. A very nice combination of historical fiction and the present foster family system.

3. Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh

Do you like dogs? Do you like to laugh out loud? Do you miss the days of picture books? This book is for you.

4. January First by Michael Schofield

A  definite must for anyone interested in mental illness, it is written by the father of an 8 year old girl with schizophrenia. Fascinating! You may have seen them on a special on Discovery Health/TLC/other channels “Born Schizophrenic.”

5. The Glass Castle  by Jeanette Walls

So interesting! If you think your childhood was difficult, read this and then be really thankful that you did not have her childhood. I am amazed that the author and her siblings made themselves into something out of literally nothing. I really don’t think I would have been so strong. The tenacity of children is quite remarkable.

6. The Night Circus  by Erin Morgenstern

My only advice would be that if you choose to listen to this on audiobook, DO NOT under any circumstances, start this when you are alone at night because Track 1 slash the entire little intro section is just the creepiest music ever and it probably should not have been the last thing I heard before I went to bed that night. Just saying. Other than that, excellent 🙂 I want to go to The Night Circus, I’m going to believe in it’s magic and that it’s still out there…..

7. Fellow Mortals by Dennis Mahoney

When I read the back cover all I really saw was that it was about a postal worker or something and I was like umm sounds weird but I was going to read it for a book club because the author is actually from my area so yeah. ANYWAY. Point is, it is WAY more than a book about a postal worker. It is a story of love and loss and trying to make up for ones mistakes. And while it is primarily from the point of view of the mailman, I love that the author also includes everyone else that was affected, even the dog. And not in a cheesy stupid ‘oh the dog is talking now’ kind of way. Very well done.

8. Once We Were Brothers by Ronald H. Balson

There is really nothing I can say, that will do this book any justice. I will say (and this is absolutely true, not an exaggeration) I was physically unable to put this book down. The one time I did put it down because I was forced to, because I was supposed to be at work (dumb), all I did for the next several hours was talk about the book. I have not been THAT captivated by a book since the final Harry Potter book came out. So, we know I mean business! haha

I could seriously write at least 10 more and I am not pleased that I only gave y’all 8 (because 8 is not a great number but I’m doing exposure AH #teamanxiety #winning!) but I know that no one probably cares. Because we all have different tastes! So you may not like any of these! But if you find one you like, I’ll feel that my job is done.

READ ALL THE BOOKS EVER ❤ Kelly

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There is nothing better….

p.s. I realize that there seems to be (with one clear exception) a theme in this list of fairly dark/serious/emotional books and I do want people to know that I do read fluffy shit too. And all other kinds of books. I’m not just like this weird dark and twisty evil book lover. At least, I don’t think I am…..